Friday, May 25, 2007

Personal FAVS (#19)

Do you ever get in that mode where when you find a product or article of clothing you love that you feel the need to buy it in every color or simply just multiples of the same thing? I am a big fan of "when you find something you love, buy 2 or more of them."

Several summers ago, I discovered the coolest sunblock for kids. It’s called Ecko the Gecko and I swear by it. It has all the great features that you’d want in a sunblock (waterproof, non-greasy, high SPF).. But the coolest thing is that this sunblock is PURPLE! Not only do the kids love being “painted” purple, but I love it because I can see where I’ve applied it and I can be sure I haven’t missed any spots.

And, faster than the novelty of being purple wears off, the color fades in time for your kids to enjoy the beach, pool, sun without looking like Barney or Tinky Winky. I just loaded up on my summer supply. Yup-- 6 of 'em (2 each for 'M' and 'M' and 2 extra for their friends that inevitably wish they had purple sunblock, too!)

Moms- buy this for your kids. They’ll love it! And trust me… You’ll want to have several of these on hand.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

My Favorite Jeff Foxworthy Jokes

You might be a redneck if...’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

...Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup. think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. prefer car keys to Q-tips.’ve ever vacationed in a rest area. think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold. think “Ross Perot” is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Farewell for now, Kiefer.. Time to prep for summer!

Woo hoo!!! LOVED last night's show. Another great season of 24 has come to an end (boo hoo). And with every season finale comes the reminder that summer is right around the corner. (YESSS!!)

So, I’m very excited about an upcoming trip I just finalized. I will be in Tampa on business in June (I’m very excited about this, too.) But being that Tampa is just a hop and a skip away from Sarasota, I decided to add a few days at the beginning of my trip to attend the IMG Academies- more specifically, the Bollettieri Tennis Boot Camp. I’ve gone before back in the day when I was a more serious tennis player. I actually went to hone my tennis and footwork skills. This time, however, it’s about me looking to chisel my shizzle- follow me? The tennis? Yeah, tennis will be played, but I look at it more like the Bollettieri Bikini Boot Camp for me. Why? Because they basically kick your butt multiple times over so you can hang it on their clay courts to dry. With summer fast-approaching, there will soon be nowhere left to hide my flaws. I NEED this. Yup. SIX HOURS of tennis each day in the blistering hot sun with a 3-minute banana break in the middle. I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! (Think: leg-flailing Molly Shannon on SNL).

This time around should definitely be interesting. Gone are the days where I was blood-hungry for competitive matches and striving for the utmost precision on my serve. Forget about it. I can see it now: Me and my pony-tailed, pink wrist- and head-banded, matchy-matchy leopard-print spandexed out-of-shape self attempting to swing away at those little flying yellow things. Yes, times have changed. On second thought, I’m going to need a round of acupuncture just thinking about my upcoming pain.

When my friend “S” heard about this, she declared not only is she ALLERGIC to any form of exercise, but she also bitch-slapped me for actually paying for such an experience. Meanwhile, “S” doesn’t ever lift a finger except when she’s on the hunt for discount designer jeans and she looks like a seasoned track runner. What the $&#@?!? These people will never understand!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Top 25 Reasons Why I Love Dobermans:

25. Dobermans have velvet ears.
24. They can fit their velvety body into the teensiest spot in the bed... and make it grow... while your spot shrinks.
23. The way they curl up and gently rest their head on your knee or your foot while you do just about anything.
22. You always get the sidewalk to yourself when you're walking a doberman!
21. They pretend to "not like" the new baby, but secretly give her kisses and sleep with their nose in her shoes.
20. The way their ears lay flat when they've done something wrong.
19. The way they patiently wait for you no matter how long.

18. They must be the first one to answer the door and will not let anyone close until you've said 'hello' in a friendly manner.
17. The way they hoard our most important possessions in their "nest" (cell phone, shoes, socks, keys..)
16. They like to play "tag"...but you're always "it"
15. Dobermans display a life-long puppy-like sweetness. They're goofy & clown-like, intrigued and curious, while also being our guardians, protectors, and our best friends.
14. They will get your attention even when you try to ignore them.
13. The Doberman ‘velcro’ lean.
12. Dobermans give little love bites on the "derriere".
11. The way their whole back end wiggles when they wag their nub.
10. A Doberman means never having to go to the bathroom alone.
9. Dobermans give you unconditional love.
8. The way they lovingly sniff your entire scalp as if searching for the Hope Diamond in order to absorb your complete "scent."
7. Dobermans can change their "look" on a dime. They put on their most menacing look for solicitors and as soon as you close the door they will "giggle" with you.

6. The way they let you “nanny your children” that they think they gave birth to.
5. The way they sit with their back to you and scoot backwards until they are tight against your legs.
4. Their kisses in your ear.
3. The way they show you they love you no matter what every second of every minute of every day!
2. The doberman's admirable ability to clear a large room of people with one regular sized semi silent deadly Dober-toot.
1. They are the most beautiful, loyal and misunderstood of all the dog breeds.

"Hello, I am Cash Wilson. I enjoy all the creature comforts of life and am truly a "momma's dog." Do not think, however, that just because I enjoy playing ball or am a great companion to the rest of this family and have accepted the domestic help, that I am a docile dog. For if you are foolish enough to think you can enter my home or property without permission you are in deep poop."

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Movie

Chick flick.

What comes to mind? Pretty In Pink… Pretty Woman… Legally Blonde… Sweet Alabama (Is that even the name of it?)

For me, it was a bad-ass British film featuring a stellar all-female cast about a group of adventurous gal pals that go on a spelunking trip. Spe-who-king? It’s cave exploring. This film was called “The Descent.” And man, have I gotten a RAP for showing this on Friday night.

Okay, so I have an affinity for horror films and like to stay on the lookout for those which can create sheer terror in their audiences. Unfortunately, ‘A’ doesn’t share this hobby with me so whenever new horror flicks come out I rarely get to see them in the theatres.

Several months ago, a long-distance friend highly recommended this movie for its tremendous fear factor and convinced me that I absolutely must see it. Knowing my dear husband would want no part of it, I decided to rent it take it with me on my next business trip. Why not watch it ALONE in my hotel room. I mean really, how scary could it be?

So off I went on my trip with my rental and I was so eager, I popped it into my laptop and began viewing it on the plane ride to my destination. Mind you, I had headphones on, so no one around me could hear the movie, but at one point (and those of you who’ve seen the film know EXACTLY what point I’m talking about) I yelped and jumped out of my seat only to realize the strangers to both my left and my right had done so IN UNISON with me! I had to turn the thing off to regain my composure in the first of 5 ensuing mental break installments.

Without a doubt this was, for me, one of the most cover-your-eyes, shriek-out-loud, Holy Crap jump-out-of-your-seat, pee-your-pants-in-one-fell-swoop frightening films I have ever seen. And while there are a lot of good horror flicks out there as well as classics, I believe that if a film can ever sustain that kind of wring-your-neck tension for 90+ minutes straight, it deserves a friggin’ Oscar.

And don’t you like to share Oscar-worthy movies with your girlfriends?? Come on, I thought my pals would also appreciate this film as much as I do, but NO. They just didn’t. It’s certainly not for everyone as I discovered. It’s not “Fright Night” nor “Friday the 13th”. The Descent will scare you to the core. If you haven’t seen it- watch it. It is the kind of horror film experience I dream about, where I’m screaming (and cursing) out loud. My fright-induced neck injury from my initial viewing should be proof-positive that you ought to at least judge for yourself.

… Just maybe not over Mother’s Day weekend.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Did someone say “Red Panties and Sex on the Beach”?

…Continued from “Do you know what TIME it is?”

So I’ve finally recovered from the weekend. Wow. Last Friday night was cherry. Once again, seven of us crazy mamas got together for Girls Night. Upon entry, each mama received some treats-- Mother’s Day prezzies from me to my gal pals. These included: a customized martini glass filled with chocolates, a bedtime dish with a hershey’s kiss, edible body powder, and a vanilla-scented massage oil candle (when the candle burns, the “wax” is actually massage oil). Ooh la la!

I don’t know why but apparently, these women (and their hubs) had all kinds of naughty thoughts going through their heads anticipating I was planning a night filled with male strippers and other wild-n-crazy things. Perhaps it has stemmed from the much-discussed new pole in my bedroom. Or maybe it was the highly-anticipated boob cake (which by the way, never made it to fruition-- don't ask.) Who knows?

I got a call from Nurse ‘G’ just before she was about to head over asking if I needed anything. There was one thing that I had forgotten-- vegetable oil. I told her we needed it and to bring lots of it. Well, when her hubbie caught wind of this, he’s all, “Vegetable oil?!? What do you need THAT for??? What does she have going on at that party?? (Helloooo? Ever heard of a chocolate fountain? You need vegetable oil to keep the chocolate flowing, for crying out loud.)

Sheesh! Can’t a gal plan a fun and simple estrogen-only, pole-free night without all the fuss? It turns out as we all discovered, the answer is a loud and resounding YES. Whoa, Nelly!

So there was your typical pizza, my luscious martinis, and some yummy chocolate. The gals came with their loaded imaginations and no-holds-barred openness. It was a riot-filled night complete with highly detailed and graphic sharing/discussion of anything and everything pertaining to sex, plastic surgery, breast sizes, bikini waxing, more sex.. you name it. Nothing was taboo. Nothing was left out. I never name names, but one of us walked away with nothing short of an EDUCATION. I haven’t laughed so hard in months.

At midnight, we finally got around to popping in the movie I’d selected to show. More on this in the next entry, but only a few brave souls made it though this affair. Some were too drunk to watch, others went home horny as all hell. (Ladies, tell your hubs they can personally thank me later.)

So much for the slumber portion of the party. By the end of the night it was just me and ‘M’. We stayed up until 3:30 discussing who was hottest amongst Kiefer Sutherland, Johnny Depp and Viggo Mortensen.

See? Just like when we were kids…

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Mother’s Day

Dear Mom,
It’s been almost eight years since you were called to Heaven. What I would give to just sit with you and chat like old times. My rose garden is in full bloom and I clipped a peach one today in your honor- your favorite.

Not a single day goes by that I don’t continue to look to you for guidance and support. You were and still are the person I continue to learn from. Your support and open arms always made me feel like a baby bird beneath your protective wing. Your beautiful son-in-law and grandchildren have never met you and I am always striving to make sure they know you well. It is tough, however, as there aren’t yet any words in existence that are as encompassing enough, colorful enough or true enough to describe your heart and soul. It saddens me that they will never experience first hand your quiet humility, unmistakable dignity and selflessness, nor to be on the receiving end of your always generous heart. I can only hope and pray that just an inkling of your influence has rubbed off on me.

Mom, I know that in your last days on Earth you were most worried about me and my well-being. I was still your “baby” and you weren’t ready to leave me to be on my own. The best things you never said to me were: no, you can’t, and you won’t. I hope you can see that I’m more than okay today. Your guidance has gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life. Now this bird will continue to fly high until we see each other again.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Do you know what TIME it is??

It’s Mother’s Day Weekend. (Yes, for me it’s a 3-day affair.) I love this time of year-- the flowers, the chocolates, the Sunday brunch, the girlie gifts.. Last year I asked my dear husband to buy me a 12” subwoofer for my car. Aw… so sweet!

Women everywhere are taking time for themselves and to honor other moms. Whether they are planting seeds in a garden, baking cookies for their elderly neighbors, or playing with a puppy at the park, they are indulging their femininity and womanhood.

Tonight I am hosting our Moms Night Out—or, rather, IN. Some of my most unforgettable fun times and memories from when I was a kid stem from all the slumber parties. Playing games, staying up all night in our jammies telling scary stories.. After fondly reminiscing, I thought, why do these great events have to be just for kids? That’s it- I’m having a slumber partay for all of us deserving diva moms.

It’ll be just like old times.. well, with one small difference. All of us in attendance will be of legal drinking age! And I do make killer cosmopolitans. (My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!) In honor of our femininity and womanhood, my maternal instinct tells me I ought to bake, too-- just, not cookies. No, I'm going to bake a boob cake. Ladies, let's celebrate our humps.. in the back and in the front!

Ah, but wish me luck. Baking is not my forte. During the Holidays, in my attempt to make peppermint bark for all the neighbors out of the goodness of my heart, I nearly burned the house down. No joke. As my fire extinguisher "snow"-covered husband and dear children will attest, we needed every ounce of that stuff. *sigh* Every once in a while I’ll still find a small remnant of that fire-extinguisher “snow” in some corner of my kitchen. Fond memories here at the House of Wilson.

Off to the kitchen. Gotta find those oven-safe Pyrex cups. (Be brave. Be very very brave.) And to all within a 5-mile radius: Get outta the way!

To be continued…

Thursday, May 10, 2007

No SPF? You WILL get burned!

So, being that this is a personal blog, I pretty much try not to talk about work-related topics.. but this borders on the edge and I just have to get if off my chest. I’m pretty old-fashioned when it comes to trusting others and developing loyal working relationships. These days it feels like everywhere you turn a contract needs to be created, signed, notarized and then reviewed by everyone and their great grandparents’ attorneys. Obviously, in our sue-crazed world, we need to protect ourselves so I know it’s necessary. But for crying out loud, some things just need to be able to be done without the moon and the stars having to be lined up perfectly, you know?

ie: You want to pick Billy up at 6:05 instead of 6:00 today? Okay, we will need that in writing.

Ridiculous requests aside, I have, in the past worked some rather significant deals that I call “napkin deals.” These are the kinds of deals where if you can imagine, you’re sitting at a bar, discussing business over a drink and work out a proposition. The deal is so clean that it can be laid out on a napkin. This is the way it used to be done all the time (a long long time ago). No attorneys. No BS. No fine print legalese. It’s not because we’re lazy. It’s based soley on trust. It’s very very simple. You hold up your end of the bargain. I hold up mine. Boom, boom. Done.

I know, I know. You’re shaking your heads at me. Well, I’ve never claimed to be perfect and sometimes I’m just downright stupid when it comes to believing that this is any way to do business in today's world- ever. While I will gladly shell out big bucks for my continuing education, this was one costly lesson with absolutely no ROI. A very bad deal.

What can I say? Lesson learned. Lesson shared.


Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Today’s Daily Affirmation

Do you partake in daily affirmations? I've been told they can be a wonderful jumpstart to your day or project. Furthermore, they can even become a reality if you truly believe and engage in what you are stating.

Here's what you're supposed to do:
1. Close your eyes, look up to the sky and smile to generate emotion. Then scream your affirmation out loud while visualizing the statement.

2. Do this 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes at night.
(Try it in the shower. Turn the water as cold as possible and scream your affirmation to further intensify your emotion and commitment.)

3. Do this for the next 90 days.

Can't hurt to try it, right?
Aw hell, why not?

“I’m a sexy mama!”

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

My 5 Must-Haves of the Moment:

1. An iPod Shuffle
2. Tempur-Pedic SupremePillow
3. Brooks Addiction Running Shoes
4. A new surfboard
5. Lots and lots of Ferrero Rocher chocolate balls

Thursday, May 3, 2007

“Take a deep breath.. One, Two, Three!”

Those were the fateful words I heard all last week. I don’t know what my deal was with pain, but it must have been my attraction du jour. Between the piercing and my laser hair removal appointment, I experienced all the discomfort of a 24 hour long fast compressed into several split seconds of horror.

For those of you who’ve never experienced laser hair removal, I have two words: IT KILLS! Both literally and figuratively. For me, the pain factor ranks right up there with getting stitches before the numbing spray actually numbs you, and just below tattooing. A laser beam actually zaps the hair follicles to death so they will never grow hair again. Unfortunately, this zapping needs to be repeated several times to do the job and it's NOT for the slight of heart. Ugh. With the ends justifying the means, sometimes searing pain is the only way to get dramatic results.

For me, that end is complete “seal-dom”. I want to be as smooth as a SEAL without ever having to shave or wax again. Yes, so short of the hair on my head, that means EVERYWHERE. So there I was at my third appointment in a series of six (Lord help me). Forget my five-hour mental psyching up and gulping of 2 potent margaritas prior, in order to face the pain. My poor, poor nurse/ laser technician had to equally prepare herself for the upcoming torture scene with me. Before I came along, she figured she'd seen everything in her clients ranging from the typical racing heart rate and beads of sweat running down the forehead to cringed faces and little winces. Then there’s me.

Now, you may think I’m a sissy and I may very well be. Even though I can say I've jumped from a cliff, swam with great white sharks, and given childbirth without meds, the feeling of someone zapping my skin with a hot laser beam over and over makes me want to reach for a continuous and fast drip of morphine. I’m telling you, it hurts like hell. Nurse “G” (who turned out to be the mom of one of my son’s buddys from school—small friggin’ world, I tell you) has had to endure nothing less than skin-breaking nail digging, extreme cursing, and blood-curdling screams that would make those that come from the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror PALE in comparison.

I honestly don’t know how I managed to make it through yet another session. At this point, however, it’s Nurse “G” I’m concerned about. I believe she needs to be taken into CTU to be debriefed after working on me. But I ask those of you who have undergone this treatment: pray tell, is it just me? You’ve been through it, at the very least most likely with a woman you don’t know. On top of the pain, imagine having a fellow preschool mom open fire on your cha-cha?!? Cripes.

No really, though. Suffering and pain in the name of coiffing maintenance of the lower pelvic region aside, my friendship with “G” has just blossomed. We’ve scheduled playdates and sleepovers for our boys. We’ve exchanged gifts—absolutely lovely. Heck, she’s even coming to the next Moms Night Out.

*Sigh* Clearly, I have issues with pain, though. What’s a low-pain threshold girl to do???

Now, about that tattoo…